Not the Usual Kaiba
by Kalarin
Summary: Let's play guess the true Mary-Sue victim! A parody of sorts, and possibly also a mystery.
1. Something Dayglow Comes this Way

This is definitely not a serious story (when are my stories ever?). For one, it involves Gozaburo being not so jerky; for another, Noah is portrayed as a non-computer-bound being, and accepting of Kaiba as a brother. This is nowhere near likely to happen, and it's VERY loosely based on "Yu-Gi-Oh." One might even call it "Alternate Universe." It's also a parody that tends to poke fun at the Kaibas (although the other characters will get their fair share of teasing).

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, Sesame Street, Barney, or Prunella Flundergust (a character from Animaniacs). I only own the story idea and Ms. Toilet (and probably not even her, since she was partly based on a substitute teacher I had).

-O-o-O-o-O-

Once upon a time, there were three boys with the surname of Kaiba. Their first names were Noah, Seto, and Mokuba, which, when abbreviated and read backwards, spelled out MSN. Quite apropos, considering these three were the masters of technology. If read normally, the letters spelled NSM, which could mean National Socialist Movement. Not so fitting as, despite their white heritage, these three were not into the whole white sheet and confederate flag shtick. If read in reverse alphabetical order, they read SNM, which really isn't appropriate at all.

Noah, Seto, and Mokuba had been very bad boys lately. It started with a little prank of Noah's creation in which they put a sign on the local store's condom dispenser that read, "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber." Joey Wheeler, not believing the sign ("I'll be da judge o' dat!"), wasted a quarter and chewed the "gum" until he realized just what it was. He forcefully ejected it from his mouth, muttering a few choice words and something about "Nasty, rotten Kaibas."

They didn't stop there. They overturned their substitute health teacher's car (which nobody minded, as they felt she had it coming). They hacked into the school's computers and edited all the Powerpoint presentations so that they included very scandalous photos of the principal, the aforementioned substitute teacher, and an overhead projector. Finally, they kidnapped Barney the Dinosaur and forced him to listen to his own songs.

When they were done with that, they burned down Sesame Street.

Their father, Gozaburo, soon heard about this and decided he'd better do something about it. Instead of laying those hooligans over his knee and giving them the spanking of their lives, he came to the conclusion that he should hire a baby-sitter. Never mind the fact that Noah and Seto were both seventeen, Mokuba was twelve, and the three of them could probably watch themselves. Never mind that fact that no child of Gozaburo's would ever behave so recklessly. Pay no attention to the fact that two of these Kaiba men were supposed to be trapped in a computer in who-knows-where being I-don't-care.

That aside, Gozaburo began interviewing candidates for the job. He hadn't been very successful; so far, he'd turned down a pyromaniac, an overly idealistic young woman named Prunella Flundergust, and a shady man in a beige trenchcoat who said that teenaged boys were his "favorite."

Over the repeated slams of his head on the oak desk, he managed to hear a voice from the doorway skid into his ears. "Are you still conducting interviews?"

Gozaburo's head snapped up in attention. In front of him stood a very (ahem) colorful young woman. She had pink hair (with her blond roots clearly visible) done in an upsweep that vaguely recalled a pile of dog excrement. Her face was painted up with fire engine red lipstick and eyebrow-reaching electric blue eyeshadow, which did nothing for her dull grey eyes. She wore a fuchsia shirt with approximately six layers of ruffles too many, a lime green miniskirt, and white high-heeled shoes.

When Gozaburo's vision returned, he responded, "Yes. Please sit down." This lady was a sartorial train wreck. He was desperate, but if he couldn't see due to repeated viewings of this lady, that might affect business negatively.

He paid the ransom for his attention, then turned it to the application in front of him. "You are Ms. 'Toy-let,' correct?" he asked.

"Actually, it's pronounced 'Twa-lay,'" the woman corrected.

"So, Ms. 'Toy-let,' let's not beat around the bush. I am looking for someone who will be able to keep my sons out of trouble. Frankly, I don't care about your past experience at this point and I don't care if you shoot them up with dog tranquilizers when they act up. That said, what would you have them do to occupy their time while you are in charge?"

"I would let them watch television and play card games, like all good little children do!" Ms. Toilet chirped shrilly, her eye twitching. Gozaburo almost sent her out; he couldn't afford to lose his eyesight and hearing. But when she told him about her past experience with "bad little boys who didn't realize that she will not hesitate to "go medieval on their heinies," because she "will cut them," he decided that she'd be perfect to whip his boys into shape. Oh, he could do that himself, but he was much too rich and busy to do so (actually, Seto was probably much too busy to be babysat). Plus, why discipline them when you could scar them into doing exactly what you wanted of them?

Just as long as they obeyed.

-O-o-O-o-O-

I repeat, this was meant merely in jest.


	2. So Rudely Interrupted

Here's chapter two.

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or Sesame Street.

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next day, at precisely three o'clock, the three Kaiba brothers were sitting in the den. Seto was typing on his laptop, Mokuba was watching him type, and Noah was doing something very shady with a rubber band, a cigarette, and a lighter.

An abrupt ring of the doorbell pulled them from their activities.

"Who could possibly be ringing our doorbell at three o'clock?" Seto griped, while Noah nursed a rather nasty cigarette burn.

"Yeah, seriously. Who walks around ringing doorbells at three o'clock?" Noah added, putting out the small fire on his pants.

"I'll go get it." Mokuba exited the room. Seto stared at Noah.

"Noah, didn't you learn anything after the pipe incident?" Noah grimaced sheepishly.

Mokuba walked down the hall to the door. It was a very long corridor; he'd been walking for five minutes and he still hadn't reached the door. Then he realized he'd been in such a state of disbelief ("Seriously, three o'clock?") that he hadn't noticed he'd been walking in circles. Mokuba changed direction and aimed himself towards the door.

He wished he had kept up his circular path the minute he opened the door. Standing before him was a clownish woman with obviously dyed pink hair fashioned into an impossibly high beehive, adorned with a dress that made Mokuba wonder how many of Big Bird's relatives had to die for its creation.

"Can I help you?" Mokuba asked. "Find a clown college to apply to," he added mentally.

"My name is Ms. 'Twa-lay,' and I am to be your nanny!" the Big Bird killer twittered, her leg twitching upwards.

"Our….Nanny?" Mokuba asked, wiping the blood out of his ears.

Ms. Toilet didn't seem to have heard him, as she pushed right past him and began down the hall. "Where are the other two?" she inquired. The only answer she received was a collective howl from the neighborhood dogs, one of which had a distinctly Brooklyn accent.

"You know, you really shouldn't barge into people's houses like that," Mokuba started. "Especially at three o'clock."

Again, he was disregarded. Ms. Toilet continued down the hall, Mokuba in tow.

In the den, Seto was afflicted with what could only be described as a mixture of mild annoyance and amusement. Noah had managed to smoke half the rubber band, then set his pants on fire again.

"Don't. Stop. You'll burn yourself—again," Seto deadpanned as Noah finally whipped off his pants and stomped out the flames. The two brothers were interrupted from their diversion by the door flying open to reveal their third and a clown.

"Mokuba, I know you want a girlfriend, but you don't need to go to the circus to find one," Noah quipped, finally putting the cigarette out.

"I'm not his girlfriend, little boy, I'm your nanny!" Ms. Toilet shouted.

Seto and Noah exchanged incredulous looks, then turned back to Ms. Toilet. "No, no, no. See, you've got to be mistaken there. We don't need a babysitter. We can take care of ourselves," Seto responded.

"Well, your father doesn't seem to think so. He's sent me to straighten you out because of your naughty, naughty behavior." Though her volume was moderate, she still managed to set the dogs howling again.

"What 'naughty, naughty behavior'?" Seto demanded.

"This!" Ms. Toilet whipped out the Domino Times. The front page read: "Sesame Street Devastated by Flames. In other news, the recent disappearance of Big Bird and why overhead projectors are offensive."

"Now," she continued, "You are all under my care for the next five hours."

"No, we're not," Noah objected, assuming an authoritative stance. It might have been effective, had he been wearing pants over his heart-covered boxers.

"DON'T YOU BACKSASS ME, PUNK!" When their ears stopped ringing, Seto stepped up to Ms. Toilet.

"I don't care what you or our father think we need, but I can assure you, it's damn well not a loony clown like you in our business." He punctuated his mini-rant with a glare that could cut diamonds.

But it couldn't get through Ms. Toilet's hard head.

"GET IN THE LIVING ROOM AND SHUT UP!" Seto found himself writhing on the floor, clutching his bleeding ears.

"No…more….screaming…" He twitched.

"And you!" She turned to Noah. "Put on some pants!"

-O-o-O-

Ms. Toilet marched into the living room. Her three "charges" trudged behind and plopped (yes, even the great Seto Kaiba) themselves onto the couch.

"As punishment for your crimes against public television, pants, and any sort of rules, you will watch three hours of back-to-back Barney," Ms. Toilet instructed.

"The rules can kiss my—" Seto started.

"Shut up and sit down!" Ms. Toilet shrieked.

"But Ms. Toy-let, we're already sitting down," Noah pointed out.

"Don't you backtalk me, Seto!"

Seto assumed the "I didn't do nothin'!" expression more characteristic of Joey. "I didn't even say anything."

"Don't interrupt me, Noah! I'm talking to Seto!" Ms. Toilet hollered.

"We don't even look that much—"

"I said, QUIET SETO!"

"You're getting their names wrong."

"YOU TOO, MOCHA-LATTE!"

Mokuba gawked at her. "Are you on crack?"

"You will all be very, very quiet, and watch THIS FILM!" With that, Ms. Toilet exited the room.

The theme song commenced. The brothers glanced around the room, then at each other.

"Well, she's gone. Let's leave," Seto decided.

They stood and headed for the door.

"Wait one cotton-picking minute! This is our house! Let's kick her out!" Noah suggested.

"You three better be watching that video!"

The high frequency (and volume) of the voice from the hall was too much for Seto and Noah. They passed out, convulsing and drooling on the floor. Fortunately for Mokuba, his thick mass of hair obstructed his ears, protecting them from that banshee's utterances.

He was about to call the paramedics (actually, he realized that his brothers would be fine in just a few minutes) when he heard very shrill whispering in the hallway. He slunk over to the door, put his ear to it, and listened.

"Hurr hurr hurr!" Her voice scraped the chalkboard of Mokuba's ears. "All I need do is subdue the three boys and in less than a week, Gozaburo Kaiba will be mine, all mine!" She suddenly jerked her head up. "What was that? I smell….Febreeze…" She swiped a finger under her arm and sniffed.

Mokuba missed this most delightful scene, as he had ducked back into the living room. "'Mine?' What could she mean by that?"

He peered down and wiped a droplet of drool off of Noah's mouth with a tissue.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Maybe she'd be nicer if they didn't keep messing up her name.


	3. Smelling a rat, or a cuckoo

Here's Chapter Three. More fun with the crazy Kaiba-sitter ensues. Also, I gave Yami his own body, but he's considered Yugi's cousin in this. Thanks for reading, and I hope it is very enjoyable.

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. Not Yu-Gi-Oh, not Obsession or Chanel (parodied as Possession and Janel), not even the being from which Ms. Toilet's handbag was made.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Later that night, after Ms. Toilet's departure, Mokuba grabbed some bacon, called his brothers to his bedroom, and partook in a lovely Lotusshipping-filled hour…

Just kidding.

Mokuba summoned his brothers to his bedroom for a strategy meeting (he held off on the bacon; it might distract them from the task at hand). He didn't know what Ms. Toilet was planning, but whatever it was, it couldn't end well.

"I think Ms. Toilet is planning to do something to Gozaburo," he told them when they arrived.

Noah and Seto wore unconcerned expressions. Mokuba was nonplussed.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

"Of course she wants to do something to Gozaburo, Mokuba. He, along with the three of us, own Kaibacorp. Everyone wants to do something to him," Seto responded matter-of-factly. "Really, I think we should just let her, after he inflicted her on us."

"But I think she's planning to drag us into it as well. She said something about 'subduing' us," Mokuba explained.

Seto and Noah became very animated. "Oh, hell, no! Nobody subdues me, no, plots to subdue me, and gets away with it!" Seto affirmed. "Wait, where were we during all of this?"

"Incapacitated." A rim shot sounded from somewhere in the ceiling.

"Did she happen to slip up and say what she's going to do?" Noah asked.

"No, but she said he'd be 'hers, all hers' within the week."

"She's a gold-digger. She wants to use us to get close to him so she can leech off of his-and our-money," Seto spat.

"It didn't sound like she wanted his money. It sounded like she just wanted him," Mokuba replied.

-O-o-O-

On the other side of Domino, Yugi took off his headphones. "Is it just me, or do I hear the Kaibas laughing like hyenas?"

"No, it isn't just you," Yami responded, not taking his eyes off his book.

-O-o-O-

"So what do you propose we do about her?" Noah asked, when the three had caught their breaths.

"For now, we'll keep a very close eye on her," Seto concluded. "If she does anything shady, we'll find a way to get her fired."

"And if that doesn't work?"

"Well, then we try to corner her into the upstairs bathroom, with all those nice big windows and that wall that blocks our property…"

-O-o-O-

Another day, another session with the "Kaiba-sitter" from hell.

And another eye-crippling outfit. Today, Ms. Toilet was clad in a banana yellow suit and a floppy white tie with red polka dots. On her feet were enormous lime green platform boots and on her head sat an impossibly high pink beehive with blond curls dangling at random intervals.

"She looks like a clown," Mokuba whispered to Noah and Seto.

"Yeah, really. I understand that looks aren't everything, but damn," Noah whispered back.

Ms. Toilet must have heard, because she whipped around (all of her, not just her head) and yelled "Why don't you check yourself before you wreck yourself, Mr. Hot Pants?"

Noah looked down at his shorts. "They're not that short," he said in a small voice as Ms. Toilet rifled through her bag (most likely for the mind-numbing video for that day's session).

"Seriously, she looks like a clown on acid," Seto snickered behind his hand.

Ms. Toilet sprung up in front of him and shouted, "What do you think you look like, you little punk?"

Seto looked down at his black shirt and pants and white studded trenchcoat. "Durr…Normal?" he responded in his most condescending tone.

"Don't you take that tone with me." Ms. Toilet glowered, her brows lowering nearly to the top of her eyeshadow smears (they didn't have far to go).

"Oh, then what type of tone would you prefer, O greatly venerated nursemaid?" Seto shot back in a not at all kind voice.

"I would prefer no tone, because you are NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK BACK TO YOUR ELDERS!" Ms. Toilet shrilled in his face. She then turned back to her bag (which was made of the leftover material from yesterday's outfit) while Seto wrung the layer of talk-spittle out of his shirt.

"Today," Ms. Toilet continued, "you will be watching another four hours of 'Barney and Friends.'" Upon hearing this, the three brothers rolled their eyes. Seeing this, she continued, "And if I hear any more comments about my fashion sense, you will all have to stand with your noses on the wall and write 'I will not talk back' ONE HUNDRED TIMES!" Ms. Toilet warned. The Kaibas stared at her like she was completely off her rocker, which she was.

The video began to play. Ms. Toilet stalked out of the room.

The brothers shared a look, then very quietly, crept towards the door.

Seto was thankful that the door had been oiled earlier that week as they slowly pushed it open. They saw Ms. Toilet enter the bathroom, then close the door.

"Let's listen," Mokuba said. "She's probably going to talk to herself some more about her plan."

As the three crept towards the bathroom, a most foul scent permeated the air, particularly the air surrounding their noses.

"Good lord, Seto, what did you eat?" Noah fanned the air.

"Does that seriously smell like any odor that I'd emit?" Seto glared. "It smells more like that atrocious perfume, Possession."

"Smells more like Janel number two," Mokuba remarked, snorting a tissue.

"But why is it wafting through our house?" Seto mused, leaning toward the crack in the door.

Ms. Toilet stood in front of the mirror, spraying the yellow perfume over her hair and neck.

However, the perfume was forgotten when the brothers took notice of the fact that Ms. Toilet was clad in a yellowish girdle, bra, and high-waisted underwear. The drooping mustard stockings and orange toenail polish did not help matters.

"Oh, god, this is worse than when I walked in on Father in the shower!" Noah covered his eyes.

"Why did you have to put that image in my head? Now I have to pour bleach up my nose," Mokuba lamented.

"Quiet! She'll hear you," Seto hushed his brothers.

Ms. Toilet continued to drown herself in the perfume. "Oh, with this scent I'll be irresistible!" She added a final spritz to her beehive. "Gozaburo Kaiba will have no choice but to give me his undivided attention for the rest of the week. As for those three brats, they'll be busy taking a nice ride on the porcelain bus when they get a whiff of this!"

"She's irresistible in the same way a car wreck is fascinating," Seto grumbled.

"She'll be irresistible to a swarm of flies," Mokuba snickered.

"Actually it's not so bad." Noah sniffed the air.

Seto and Mokuba stared. "You've been smoking rubber bands again, haven't you?"

In the bathroom, Ms. Toilet's head perked up. "What was that?" She snapped her head around the room, sniffing. "I smell….Kaibas…"

Before the brothers could beat it down the hall, the door flew open and slammed Noah square in the crotch.

"What are you doing out here?" Ms. Toilet hissed. She looked down at Noah, who was writhing in pain. "What's his problem?"

"You hit him with the door," Seto answered.

"What are you—" Mokuba started to ask, but stopped after a look from Seto.

Ms. Toilet cocked her head. "What am I what?"

"What are you….Using as a perfume? It has a nice strong smell. You know, perfume was first invented in France," Mokuba rambled.

"It's called Possession," Ms. Toilet answered, sounding increasingly irritated. "Why are you standing outside the door when I am changing my clothes?"

"Er…Well….We weren't watching you undress…" Mokuba started. Seto smacked himself in the forehead.

"You little voyeurs," Ms. Toilet started.

"We had to use the bathroom," Seto interjected.

"All of you? At the same time?"

"Yes. Do you have a problem with that?" Seto put his hand on his hip.

Ms. Toilet turned up her nose. "Your perverted bathroom rituals are none of my concern, so no, I do not." She picked up her dead Big Bird bag. "Now if you will excuse me, I am going into another room to change." She stalked off down the hall.

"Well, a lot of good that did us," Seto griped. "We didn't find out one bit of information we couldn't have figured out ourselves."

"Not necessarily," Mokuba said. "From the way she said 'irresistible,' we now know what she wants from Gozaburo."

"But why would she want just attention from him? She must want some money out of him," Seto argued.

"I think," a newly recovered Noah suggested. "We need to delve deeper into this lady's life."

The brothers were interrupted by a masculine scream from the den, shortly after Ms. Toilet entered it.

"Sorry, Roland," Seto yelled down the hall.

-O-o-O-o-O-

It'll get even more ridiculous in later chapters.


	4. The Plot Thickens and Sparkles

I haven't updated this in weeks, and there's a good reason for that: College is time-consuming and I sat at the computer and concentrated on the page until I could come up with something that might be funny.

So, after much rumination and editing, here is Chapter Four.

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. Not even any merchandise from the stores parodied in this chapter.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Gozaburo stomped into the office. "Impossible stupid schedule..." he growled.

"What, does the meeting cut into your ego-inflation time?" Seto's eyes refused to leave his laptop's screen. Of course, whose eyes wouldn't, when the other option was to actually look at Gozaburo.

"I see Ms. Toilet's lessons have failed to sink in," Gozaburo remarked, slamming his briefcase down on the table. "They've postponed our meeting."

Now Seto's eyes did travel upwards-then burned when he saw that his father was wearing that horridly bright red suit again. "What was the reason for that?"

"According to their rather dubious-sounding secretary, they canceled due to the impending alteration of direction in our plot."

"What in the blazes is that supposed to mean?" Seto went right back to his laptop.

"I don't know, and I don't particularly care, just as long as they can come up with a better excuse by the time we do have the conference." Gozaburo turned and left the room. Seto watched as the door to the office slammed shut. He then minimized the decoy important document and maximized the window entitled, "Penthouse Dragons: White Lightning, Indeed."

Having left his son to his dragon delights, Gozaburo stalked off to his sleeping quarters. "Those idiots better have a damn good reason for canceling," he growled through his teeth as he put down his briefcase.

He felt the muscles in his neck attempt to engage in some sort of slam dance. The not at all comfortable sensation spread to his shoulders, then decided, "Hey, wouldn't it be so cool if I went all the way up to his head and into his eyes?" Gozaburo jerked the blinds shut.

"Stupid tension headaches. It's so stressful being so awesome all the time." His head jerked upwards, causing quite possibly the worst brain explosion since Mokuba tried to sit through the entire length of "Pink Flamingoes." "Did I just use the word 'awesome' in my thoughts? I'd rather know what page Seto's really looking at than use that word in any form."

He shook his head. "I must be overworked. I think I just need to relax…But how?"

Seto was exiting the office with a huge, sloppy grin on his face when Gozaburo traversed the hallway and headed briskly towards the stairs. Seto took that moment to note that he was neither carrying his briefcase nor himself in such a way that would suggest he was going back to work.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

Gozaburo turned around slowly, his face a mask of impassivity.

"Shopping!" he sang, his voice fluttering as high as Mount Everest as his hands flapped like tiny wings.

Seto's back decided to become intimate with the floor.

-O-o-O-

Fortunately for Seto (and Noah and Mokuba, and maybe even Roland), in his cloud of shopping joy, Gozaburo neglected to summon Ms. Toilet. Nobody even thought to call her…Well, actually they did, but they rethought that particular course of action after remembering yesterday's events. Not that they actually wanted to be babysat by her; Mokuba wanted to observe her more and hear more about what she wanted from Gozaburo. Noah objected, saying that they could all use a break from the possible Big Bird murderer (a trial had not yet been held). As for Seto, he just didn't care.

Mokuba had emerged from his room at precisely the same moment Seto regained consciousness. He made no remark about the small drool puddle next to his brother, nor did he comment on the rather undignified manner in which he was sprawled across the floor.

"What the hell happened?" Seto muttered, still half-awake. Mokuba was standing over him, looking almost amused.

"It would appear that you fainted. Maybe you should take a day off," Mokuba answered, stifling a snicker at the line of saliva dangling from the edge of Seto's mouth.

"I'll be fine, Mokuba," Seto said, trying to discreetly wipe away the drool. "As soon as I get an Advil, I'll be fine."

Mokuba looked around, noticing the office was empty. "Where'd Gozaburo go?"

Seto twitched. "Shopping." Then he went off in search of something a bit stronger than Advil that also came in a bottle.

-O-o-O-

Meanwhile, Gozaburo strolled through the mall. He didn't buy anything; he just loved to bask in the fact that he could buy and sell this dump ten times over.

He stole quick glances at the teenagers ducking in and out of stores. Was this what people did with their hard-earned money and time? He made a note to buy some space in the store for a KaibaCorp store. He immediately discarded the thought when he saw that Seto and Noah already had (though, he wasn't exactly sure how well the idea sat with the public, since some smartass had spray-painted "KaibaCrap" under the sign). He rounded the corner and proceeded past Veronica's Discretion, Perpetually Twenty-two, and Cold Subject, taking note of what the people seemed to be buying in great quantities.

As he observed a particularly well-endowed mannequin, an unusual sight crept into his peripheral vision. A shiny, pink and blond-haired sight.

Just exiting Plantain Dictatorship was a woman who seemed to glitter down the path. She did not walk, she did not tread; she glittered. Her blond and pink hair floated, though one would think that all the glitter (which had to be mired in a vat of hair gel) would weigh it down.

Gozaburo found himself unable to operate his legs as she approached, which was unfortunate, in his opinion. His last thoughts were that if she were to brush against him, he'd need to bathe with a wire brush that night.

-O-o-O-

For the past hour, Mokuba had been working on a plan to track down Ms. Toilet and isolate her so they could observe her better. So far, all he had was a three-sentence paragraph and a diagram depicting Ms. Toilet walking down the street with her arms flailing while he, Seto, and Noah followed with hats pulled down over their faces. He'd gotten a little carried away with some of the details of the drawing; as of that moment Ms. Toilet's beehive, if the drawing's scale matched reality, would be at least three feet high. Mokuba brandished an enormous umbrella (presumably to fend off the aforementioned Kaiba-sitter, should she attack them), Seto held a bottle of an unnamed liquid behind his back, and Noah wielded the biggest tobacco pipe on earth.

For the past hour, Seto had been working on a rather large bottle of beer. So far, he'd only gotten about halfway finished with it. He'd gotten a little carried away, or at least his imagination had, judging by the pink elephants jumping around on the table. As of that moment, one of the elephants was attempting to tell him something, but was muted.

For the past hour, Noah had been washing his brain out with bleach after hearing the description of Gozaburo's behavior. So far, he'd decided he'd need at least two years of therapy to fully recover after the brain cleansing. As of that moment, he was forced to conjure up the image of Ms. Toilet in her underwear from the previous day.

Mokuba put down his pencil. "This is pointless. Let's just go now."

"Well, we're not going to have much luck finding her if we don't know where she is," Noah pointed out. Seto only sat there with a dull grin on his face.

"Well, we're never going to find her if we just sit around getting drunk all day," Mokuba retorted.

"Hey, I'm not drunk," Seto answered, a little too loudly.

"Sure you're not. You're also not underage." Mokuba folded up his diagram. As he was standing up, it hit him. He looked around to hit it back, until he realized he was incapable of hitting an idea. He also couldn't even begin to guess why this particular idea hit him (it probably had issues with violence).

"I think she's at the mall," Mokuba said, heading for the door.

"Huh?" was all Seto in his present state could manage to utter.

"Mokuba, even our drunken brother realizes that's an incredibly irrational guess," Noah protested, going after him.

"I'm not drunk!" Seto turned off of the chair and fell flat on his face. "Maybe a little, then."

"Actually, it's not such a leap of logic. Gozaburo said he'd be shopping; Ms. Toilet wants to do something with him. I think she could very well have stalked him all the way to the mall," Mokuba explained, propping Seto up against him, as they walked to Noah's car.

"Okay, if we have to go to the mall, we are not going in that," Seto said, as they approached the car.

"What do you have against my car?" Noah demanded, unlocking the bright orange door of the mostly lime green Volkswagen.

"For one, it makes my head hurt," Seto answered, shielding his eyes. "And if we get in a wreck with an SUV, which we very well might, with your driving, we're screwed."

"Well, then, I'll drive at fifty miles per hour this time." Noah slid into the driver's seat. Seto shot Mokuba an "I'm too drunk to argue, help me out here" look.

"Hey, I'm not the one who taught him to drive."

-O-o-O-o-O-

The ending wasn't as funny as I thought it would be, but the alternatives were even less humorous.


	5. Whatever you do, don't go into the light

This writing business just gets harder and harder, doesn't it? Nothing worth doing is easy.

Disclaimer: I still don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. Or pintos.

-O-o-O-o-O-

The brothers Kaiba were on their way to the mall. They were having some difficulty, though, seeing as how they'd never actually visited that mall. Mokuba had only gone that one time because he thought Serenity would be there. When they did manage to find it, some sort of hold-up a few blocks from the mall delayed them further.

They coasted slowly past the mess of twisted metal and generous sprinkling of glass. Two men stood in front of their busted cars, yelling back and forth.

"Where the hell did you learn to drive? Watch the road next time!" One of the men shoved the other backward.

"But it wasn't my fault! The light blinded me!"

"What light?" The first man balled his fists.

"The shiny…"

The brothers could hear the conversation and the punches landing as they cruised into the parking deck. Mokuba twisted and knelt in his seat to get a better look as they rolled away.

"Sit down, Mokuba. Noah's going to try parking," Seto warned.

"Backseat driver," Noah muttered, then promptly rear-ended a hot pink pinto. Luckily, it didn't burst into flames. Also, it was already banged up in the back. One more dent wouldn't make a difference.

"I wonder whose crappy car that was anyway," Seto wondered as they walked (though not in a completely straight line) to the entrance. The paint on the pinto's "Sue Happy" license plate flaked off as they walked by.

The first thing they noticed about the mall was how bright it was. It was as if they decided to turn on every lamp in the department store and put them all in the corridors. The fact that the walls were mostly white and polished to a near reflective quality didn't help much, either. Neither did the fountains filled with what looked like freshly cleaned pennies and all the glass doors of the shops.

"Why does the sun have to be so bright?" Seto shielded his eyes as a hangover started to set in.

"It's not the sun; they've just turned the lights up higher than usual." Mokuba shielded his eyes. "Or we've been spending too much time in darkened computer rooms."

"I'm not having any trouble," Noah remarked. "Maybe you're just sensitive and Seto's just too drunk."

"I'm not—holy crap, is the floor moving?" Seto wobbled a little. Noah grabbed Seto's arm to steady him.

"Wow. We never see you here."

They traced the new voice to Yugi and Joey standing in front of them. They looked surprised, and, when they noticed Seto rocking back and forth, concerned.

"Is he okay?" Yugi asked.

"Oh, yeah, he's fine. RIGHT SETO?" Noah said loudly in Seto's ear.

"I hate you so much right now." That had to be the first time Yugi and Joey had seen Kaiba startled.

"Hate the substance, not the intervener," Noah quipped, then dodged a lazy smack.

"He looks pretty hammered ta me," Joey snickered.

"Shut it, mutt," Seto grumbled.

Mokuba was surprised to be the one to drag his brothers away from Yugi's crew. "We'd really like to stay and talk," he started.

"No, we wouldn't," Seto put in.

"But we have business relating to Kaiba Corp at the other end of the mall," Mokuba finished.

"Okay. Good luck with that," Yugi said, waving as they moved along. "Y'know, Joey, I think Mokuba's brothers might not be quite as bad as they act."

"Yuge, Kaiba's piss-drunk in public and surprisingly less bearable den when he's sober."

Yugi mulled this over. "True, but at least he's not relentlessly stalking me over defeating him."

The brothers Kaiba made their way to the back of the mall, noticing the light getting brighter the closer they advanced. At least, two of them did.

"Okay. I know they want their merchandise to have the best light possible, but this is ridiculous," Mokuba said, shielding his eyes. Seto had tied the sleeves of his trench coat around his head so he could pull the top down like a hood.

"I still don't see what your problem with the lighting is," Noah responded. "To be honest, I think it's a little dark."

Mokuba sighed in frustration. "Are Seto and I the only ones running around blind?"

Seto squinted around. "Everyone else is wearing sunglasses. Hah! Fashion-challenged sheep."

"I'm thinking about joining that flock if this doesn't quit soon," Mokuba said, brushing more of his hair over his face. The rate he was going, he'd soon be fit to reenact scenes from "The Ring." "Noah, you'd better shield your eyes. You might be having a delayed reaction."

"To light?" Noah said. He looked around at all the people wearing huge shades like extras in an eighties film. One of them looked very familiar, and wasn't wearing any glasses at all. He had the same caterpillar eyebrows, thick sharpie line mustache, and slicked back hair as Gozaburo. But there was something different about him. "Hey, that looks like…" He trailed off as he realized the differences.

"What is it?" Mokuba followed Noah's gaze to what could only be described as a brown note. Though there wasn't much brown in what he witnessed.

Gozaburo was sparkling.

Not only was he sparkling, he was no longer wearing the tacky red suit. He'd shucked it off for a pastel pink jacket and pant set straight out of "Miami Vice." Except this was Gozaburo and this image might as well have been ripped from the lesser-known tenth level of hell.

"What're you gawking at?" Seto removed his makeshift hood and sobered up real fast after his question was answered.

They stood that way for a few seconds until a female figure walked up to Gozaburo. The light grew brighter as she approached, though they couldn't make out her features.

"I'm blind!" Seto hollered and fell over. Mokuba clamped his eyes shut. Noah just stood there, trying to make out the details on the woman.

"How can you stare right into it?" Mokuba asked, his face now completely covered by his hair. His question went unanswered as Noah continued to stare blankly at the light.

After a minute that lasted a year, the light receded and eventually disappeared. Mokuba flipped his hair back out of his face. Seto decided he was pretty comfortable, lying on the ground under his trench coat blanket.

"They're gone. Great. Just perfect. Noah, since you're apparently immune to light, what did you see?" Mokuba asked.

Noah's eyes were glassy. He didn't appear to have heard Mokuba. He just stood there, with his mouth open, staring into the spot where Gozaburo and the unidentifiable woman had stood. Seto sat up after remembering that the great Seto Kaiba did not lay on mall floors like the common loon.

Mokuba was about to abandon all hope of getting an answer when Noah turned his head slowly toward him. The dull glaze and blank stare were gone, replaced by dewy-eyes and a Cheshire cat smile.

"I think I'm in love," he responded in a voice that was half-whisper, half-trill.

Mokuba could only stare back with a similar expression to Noah's previous one. Seto dragged himself over to a potted plant and puked. His aim was unimpressive, especially to the janitorial staff.

-O-o-O-

His headache was gone and he was glad they canceled his meeting. Ms. Toilet hadn't showed up, but he wasn't too bothered by that either. Gozaburo wasn't annoyed when he saw Noah staring like a complete idiot where everyone could see and identify him as his blood relative. He wasn't even mad that Seto was committing underage public drunkenness.

He had a new woman in his life and she glittered.

He'd had a lovely stroll with her around the mall, stopping in all the different stores, letting her dress him up in her love…and shiny pink aura. Of course, she'd let him do some dressing too, when they got to Veronica's Discretion.

He didn't even ask her name until a couple hours later when they stopped at the food court. How silly of him.

"My name's Rosemary, but you can call me Rose," she answered in her silky, smooth, sexy, siren-like, smothered-in-heaven-and-adjectives voice.

In seconds, he was holding her hand and walking her to her car. He had glitter gel and powder all over his arm, but he didn't mind. If things went well, it'd remain there for all time.

Even if he had to give up bathing.

-O-o-O-

"I'm driving," Mokuba insisted.

They were heading back to their car. Noah was still in his haze and Seto was still wobbling all over the place.

"You're twelve," Seto said.

"I've been paying attention to your driving. And who else is going to do it? You're kind of plastered and I don't trust Noah to tie his shoes right now."

"I'm not—screw it, I'm drunk as hell," Seto admitted.

Noah did not respond to the jab at his present state of mind; he continued to beam goofily.

They reached their vehicle, noticing that the surrounding cars were gone. Nice. They wouldn't have to worry about collisions or a fiery death, at least not until they left the parking deck. They managed to get home without crashing or being pulled over for having an abnormally short and youthful driver.

"Do you think Gozaburo will be home?" Mokuba asked.

"Do you care?" Seto asked, too tired to think of anything else.

"Not really, nor do I care to see that pink get-up again."

Noah said nothing. He was looking even drunker than Seto.

They got out of the car and saw the pink pinto with the "Sue-Happy" plate parked in their driveway.

"Oh, no. They know we hit them earlier." Mokuba's shoulders sagged.

"Y'know, that car seems really familiar," Seto noted as they went inside.

"Of course it does, Noah rear-ended it earlier."

"No, I saw it somewhere else, but I don't remember where."

They dragged Noah, who was still standing there with that dumb look on his face, into the living room. Gozaburo was nowhere to be found (thankfully), but there was a woman with pink-streaked blonde hair sitting on the couch.

"Is it just me or did it get brighter in here again?" Mokuba wondered.

Noah's head lolled on his neck toward the couch. His eyes suddenly resembled grass in the morning again. "It's her!"

Thankfully, Mokuba and Seto were not blinded again when the woman turned around. And, boy did she ever!

She had to be the most beautiful woman Noah had ever seen. Her blonde hair bore just the slightest rose pink tint and cascaded down her back like Niagara Falls. Her skin was porcelain white like an unsoiled toilet. Her pale pink dress brought out the rose highlights in her hair and her skin reflected the color like a pale blush. Her silver eyes, which were flecked with violet, seemed to radiate a white light from within, like when he opened the door to his fridge late at night to be met with a beacon of nourishment in the dark pit of midnight hunger.

Seto and Mokuba couldn't see the big fuss. So she sparkled and glowed; so did some species of fungus.

"Hello, boys."

Noah nearly swooned. "The melody…be still, my beating vascular organ. Or caudate area."

"I hope I didn't steal anyone's parking spot."

"You can steal a parking spot in my bed," Noah murmured, not completely possessing all of his faculties.

"So it's your car outside? We're really sorry about the-" Mokuba was nudged, hard, by Seto before he could finish.

The woman's brows wrinkled in confusion (but not too much, or she'd get lines), but she seemed not to be bothered too much by it. Something in Seto's hung-over mind clicked the second her brows twitched. He'd seen those brows in that position before. Only, in a more exaggerated fashion. And with more makeup than this model (at least, he figured that's what a female model would look like; perusing fashion magazines was beneath the Great and Mighty Seto Kaiba).

Unfortunately, it clicked back out of place when he looked up. "Er…who are you?" he asked inarticulately.

"My name is Rosemary. Your father decided your previous supervisor wasn't working out, so he's replacing her with me." She drew her hands together on her lap and stood up. "I hope this doesn't inconvenience you in any way."

"Oh, never," Noah breathed. He then fell on his face.

Rosemary looked ever so slightly worried. "Is he all right?"

"Yeah, he just needs to lay down for a while." With that, Mokuba dragged both Seto and Noah up to his room. When they arrived, Mokuba shut the door, turned the lights down low, and the three of them got busy…

…Discussing this new setback, of course.

"How are we going to figure out what that crazy chick is going to do to us now?" Mokuba ranted. "We have no idea where she could be and now we're not going to be seeing her regularly to even be able to get an idea. Our whole plan is thrown off!"

Seto raised an eyebrow. "You actually want her back?"

"What?"

"She's gone and probably not coming back. Why don't we just enjoy the silence?"

"But she's plotting against-"

"And our lawyers will crush her if she tries anything funny. Until then, let's just, like, chill."

Mokuba gave a start. Did Seto just say, "chill?" He shook off the shock. "But I think she's going to do more than just try to mess with our company."

"Like what?"

"Like…unravel the whole fabric of the universe."

Seto snickered. "I hate to break it to you, Mokuba, but that's kind of insane. Where would she get the power?"

"Well…I just had a feeling…"

"That's not a good enough reason." Seto sighed. "Face it; it's back to business as usual."

Noah had managed to fall asleep at the start of their conversation. They decided to leave him and go downstairs: Seto, to get coffee; Mokuba, to figure out how to proceed on his own. They had almost forgotten the young woman on the couch. They remembered when they saw her standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Hello, boys. I figured I'd make my visit fun for all of us, since I heard your last supervisor wasn't too agreeable."

Mokuba blinked. This would be a welcome diversion. "What did you have in mind?"

The woman reached into her yellow purse and pulled out a deck of Duel Monsters cards. "How about a game?"

-O-o-O-o-O-


	6. Seto loses more than just a duel

More ridiculousness! Now with sprinkles-er, sparkles. And a duel.

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or anything referenced in this story, except for Rosemary.

-O-o-O-o-

It took a minute to register that she wanted to duel them.

"You want a duel?" Seto asked, though it was pretty obvious (she was flashing her deck; that was the only card game anyone ever played-perhaps it hadn't really registered. Seto was still kind of loopy).

"Why not?" She smiled with all the radiance of the sun. Mokuba and Seto shielded their eyes from her golden aura.

"Okay, but don't hold your breath about winning." Seto dug around in his trench coat pocket for his deck.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that…" she trailed off, her voice like the end of a particularly pretty song. Mokuba really wished the neighbors would turn their stereo down.

Seto narrowed his eyes, but then he couldn't see as well, so he opened them to an appropriately annoyed size. Was this woman actually implying she could beat the Great and Almighty Seto Kaiba at Duel Monsters? Was she insinuating that she was better than him at something? This lowly pink-hued, sparkly wench? What card could she have that could beat three Blue Eyes White Dragons and his other, less memorable powerhouses?

Where had he seen that crazy "Do as I say or face the consequences" glint in her eyes before?

"Um, Seto?" Mokuba poked his brother. "I think she wants an answer before next morning."

Seto snapped out of his self-aggrandizing trance. "Bring it on."

The three proceeded to the Kaibas' very own duel station in the basement of the mansion. It seemed they climbed down miles of staircase, but that might be because they were all too busy playing card games/getting kidnapped/looking pretty to exercise much.

Seto finished pushing a white-clad, orange-eyed, lime green haired man that looked oddly like himself ("Back to your cell!") back into a trap door and turned to face Rosemary.

"All right, then. Let's duel."

They boarded the duel stations. Mokuba donned a conductor's hat for the occasion.

The duel wasn't off to the best start.

"You might want to turn the station on first," Mokuba suggested, flipping the switch on the wall.

"Oh. I thought it was kind of dark," Seto thought. "How did I forget to do that?" He shuffled his deck. "At least I'll be guaranteed a win against this chick. And possibly a good battle."

He was sorely disappointed several turns in.

"I summon the 'Magical Unicorn of Venus!'" Rosemary called, flicking a sparkly holographic card from her hand.

"What? That's not a card. There haven't even been any new card shipments. And I should know, unless those cameras I snuck into Yugi's shop aren't filming everything," Seto protested.

"You put cameras in Yugi's house?" Mokuba gawked at Seto.

"No, Mokuba. I put them in the _shop_. And in his bedroom. Not in the whole house."

"And I'll combine it with the 'Pan-Rainbow' Magic card, to increase my attack points to 20,000."

"Really, now, it's not funny. Cut it out." Seto folded his arms.

A white sparkly unicorn appeared on the field. If there were a show called "Pimp My Equine Ride," this unicorn would certainly be featured in the opening credits. The beast's hair was toilet bowl porcelain white with a few silver strands, giving the entire coat its sparkle. His hooves appeared to be made of diamonds-or giant misshapen rhinestones. His mane and tail were like gold, or silk, or golden silk, and they cascaded to the duel field like a sea of gold or a golden shower. His rose quartz horn corkscrewed from his forehead, two golden orbs mounted at the base of the horn.

"I'd comment on the blatantly phallic imagery on your unicorn's forehead, but I'm too busy wondering how it's being read as an actual existing card," Seto said, shielding his eyes from the bright creature. What was with this lady and blinding lights? "What kind of tricks are you playing? Did you hack the system?"

Rosemary's silvery eyes widened. "Are you accusing me of cheating?"

"No, I'm patronizing a rent boy. Of course I'm accusing you of cheating. That card is nonexistent, and we all know it. Don't insult my intelligence."

Rosemary merely smiled tightly. "I have absolutely no hacking skills. If this isn't a legitimate card, why is your technology reading it as such, and more importantly, why is it attacking your dragons?"

They turned their attention to the field. Rainbows shot out of the unicorn's horn. A synthpop waltz started up. It took a while for Seto to realize it was coming from the unicorn.

"Our attack is not misbegotten, so now your dragons will fry. Behold my volley of light!" the unicorn sang as his sparkly rainbow beam engulfed Seto's dragons. The unicorn made kabobs of them and devoured Seto's life points.

"Isn't that the wrong song?" Mokuba wondered as Seto stared at the field.

"It looks like I win." Rosemary beamed, her perfectly white teeth lighting up the whole damn basement.

Seto just stood there. What just happened?

-O-o-O-o-O-

"Tell me how you did it right now, and I'll let you leave the basement."

They were on one of the many landings. Mokuba and Rosemary were coming up the stairs while Seto had lingered at his post a bit longer, much they way he did when Yugi beat him. Unlike his first defeat, he recovered quickly and told Mokuba he would shut the duel station down before he went upstairs. They were almost to the top when Seto popped out of a trap door like a sideways jack-in-the-box (kicking the unidentified green-haired man's hands off his trench coat as he did so) and blocked the door.

Rosemary looked up with an expression that could only be described as "charmingly bewildered." Like she were a three year old being scolded jokingly by her parents for finger-painting a perfect replica of the Sistine Chapel ceiling on the kitchen wall.

"I defeated you with a very powerful monster combined with a magic card. Now would you kindly let me exit the basement?" Rosemary answered with all the politeness of a Queen. Seto narrowed his eyes. Sickening. Why bother with niceties when you were no better than a snake in the grass?

"You know damn well what I mean, and that's not it. That was not an authorized Duel Monsters card and thus should neither have been recognized by the duel station nor actually been able to attack. Either Pegasus has gone even further off the deep end-not possible-or you hacked the system."

"Could you not accept that someone actually managed to beat you?"

"No!" Seto was sure he was starting to resemble the wild-eyed, green-haired man he'd recently dealt with, but he didn't care at this point. "Tell me what you did. Let me inspect your deck." He forced a somewhat (by his currently warped standards) cordial expression onto his face. "Please."

"Seto, you're kinda scaring me," Mokuba tittered, edging toward the door.

"Why do you need to see my whole deck? Wouldn't it make more sense for me to just show you the two cards I used?" How the hell could she be so calm at a moment like this?

"IT PUTS THE DECK IN MY HAND OR ELSE IT GETS THE STAIRS!" Seto shouted. "It's a long way down, Miss Rosemary…I'm sure my little friend would like to accompany you." He jerked his head toward the trap door through which he'd entered. "Wouldn't you like some company on your…long…trip…down?"

Rosemary inspected her perfectly glossy nails. "Not particularly. Why are you spacing your words out like that?"

Mokuba sprung into action. He opened the basement door, causing Seto to tumble backwards and land on his rear. "Sorry, Seto, but you're being uncharacteristically insane today." He dragged the young man in front of the bathroom at the top of the stairs and pinned him down while Rosemary climbed the last few steps, looking back at the trap door curiously. It didn't help that she stepped over Seto's legs as she did so. He tried to trip her, but failed as she danced out of the way, much to his disgust and anger.

Rosemary looked up at the clock hanging above the basement door. "It's getting late. I should go now." She turned to Mokuba. "Is he going to be okay?"

"He'll be fine." Mokuba glanced down at Seto. He was foaming at the mouth. "By tomorrow, anyway."

Rosemary shrugged her delicate shoulders. "Good night, then."

As she walked away, Mokuba couldn't help but notice the golden hairpin sticking out of the tiny bun at the back of her head. He was specifically interested in the eye on the end of the pin. Where had he seen that before?

"Hmm. I think I know who might be able to help us," he thought. As Seto staggered into the bathroom, Mokuba grabbed the Domino phonebook from a shelf and scanned the "I" section.

"Why does this bus keep flushing when I put the brakes on?" Seto moaned from the bathroom, his voice echoing.

"Because that's the toilet," Mokuba answered, then closed the door so Seto could have some privacy while puking.

Upstairs, Noah was sniffing a lock of hair that had fallen from Rosemary's head onto his shirt.

"Ahh…Lavender and freesia."

-O-o-O-o-O-

"Why do we need to see this loon again?"

Mokuba sighed as Seto turned off of Chess Avenue onto Poker Street. Hadn't he just told him about it a few minutes ago? He could understand Seto not quite getting it when he explained his plan last night; it was doubtful Seto could even hear over the flushing of the toilet. Then this morning, he had to go over the plan to meet Ishizu (who was in Domino to supervise the traveling Egyptian artifact exhibit) all over again at breakfast. Again, excusable, considering Seto was distracted with eating. Or, rather, staring down his Alpha-Chips cereal, because there were two I's right next to each other, challenging his authority.

Mokuba was really starting to wonder about him.

Then, they had to wake Noah, who was still mooning over that clump of pink and blond hair, even while sleeping. Mokuba managed to wake him up for a short time and explain the plan to him (and Seto, again). Noah looked like he was ready to act like a rational human until the wind blew the hair up in front of his face and he snatched it up, content to settle back into his trance. They left him to rub his face against it to his heart's content.

"Don't know what he sees in it, anyway; it looks synthetic," Seto muttered as they walked out. "What are we doing, again?"

Mokuba was a lot more patient than his biological brother. But like Seto, he didn't like repeating himself. He calmly explained the plan a fourth time, with Seto making his usual "Hocus-pocus nonsense" cracks (which Mokuba begged him not to say in front of Ishizu).

And here they were: Seto, driving (he was sure he could pass a breathalyzer); Mokuba, wondering where his brother's memory and attention span went and if they were in the same place as Noah's sanity.

"We're seeing Ishizu," Mokuba repeated, "because of the eye I saw on Rosemary's hairpin. It looks like the eye on the Millennium Items. But there shouldn't be any of those left."

"Did you think it might just be a coincidence?" Seto cut off a guy coming down 52 Pick-Up Street. As it very nearly became "Four Pile-Up" Street, Mokuba heard the chorus of car horns. In one fluid motion, Seto gave what looked like a "turning" hand signal, except only one finger went up.

"Seto! What was that about?" Mokuba exclaimed.

"It's not like they weren't thinking of doing the same thing." Seto completed the turn and pulled up to the museum. "We're here."

Mokuba got out of the car. "You're acting even crazier than usual, you know that?"

"I'm not crazy." Seto got out and locked the door. "Crazy is like those people you see on reality shows, acting out for a few dollars. Crazy is Wheeler actually believing he can last a few seconds in a duel against someone worthwhile. Crazy is sleeping in your car outside your rival's house, hoping he'll reveal his winning strategy, then getting a ladder and-okay, you get the point."

Mokuba gave him a sideways look. "I'm going to walk over here for now." He moved about two feet away from his brother (or this being who resembled his brother).

Light streamed in through the plate glass windows as they proceeded to Ishizu's office. She smiled politely as they entered.

"Good morning, brothers Kaiba."

"Good morning," Mokuba responded respectfully as they all sat down. Seto stared at a point vaguely behind Ishizu's head and said nothing.

"Have you had a chance to look at the exhibit?" Ishizu asked.

"Not yet. We're going to, though, but we have a problem." He shifted in his chair. "The Millennium Items were all destroyed, weren't they?"

"They were sealed underground for eternity. They are highly unlikely to resurface." She tilted her head. "Have you seen any signs that they aren't quite so buried?"

"Other than Yugi's long-lost cousin, Yami, mysteriously showing up a few months ago…" Mokuba cast a sideways glance at Seto to check his reaction. He was now staring levelly at Ishizu, his head tilted at an angle twice as large as hers. "We hired a woman to help us around the house," he continued. "Our father and our brother started acting really weirdly after she showed up."

"What do you consider weird?"

"They give her a lot of attention. A lot of positive attention. Like, they're obsessed with her, or something. Noah even thinks he's in love with her." Mokuba shrugged. Seto continued to look like a confused owl.

"And your concerns about the Millennium Items?" Ishizu prompted.

"Well, one night, while she was leaving, she turned around and she was wearing this hairpin. I wouldn't have noticed it, usually, except it had a gold eye at the end, just like the Millennium Items. I don't think she could've bought it at a store, because no one else would know about the eye to be able to use it as a design."

"Hmm." Ishizu's interest was apparent. "You're sure the eye was identical to the ones on the Items?'

"Positive."

Ishizu was absorbed in thought for a minute. "What does this woman look like?"

"She's really pale, with pink and blond hair and silver eyes. Or they're violet. They change colors. Also, whenever Noah looks at her, it's like he hypnotized. Seto and I can barely look at her. Sometimes we can see her, but other times, we have to shield our eyes because the light she reflects is so bright!"

Ishizu was leaning forward. "Is it a white light, and is it sometimes gold?'

Mokuba perked up, nodding energetically. "Yes!"

"Like a full-body aura?"

Mokuba nodded like a metal head.

"Almost like looking into the sun? Only, with glitter?"

"That's her exactly!" Mokuba was floored. "How did you know?"

Ishizu looked much less calm than before-a little distressed, actually. Mokuba was unnerved. "This isn't a good sign. After what you've told me, I fear this may be a bigger problem than any of us can handle." She went over to the window and gazed out. Mokuba got up to look as well. At first, he didn't see anything out of the ordinary; it was just the usual sunny day in Domino.

Then he saw the pink clouds rolling in, tuning the sky a lilac color. Almost like the Shadow Realm, only more pastel.

"Tell me, Mokuba, what is this woman's name?" Ishizu's voice was tinged with urgency.

"Her name is Rosemary," Mokuba answered.

Ishizu drew back, horror passing over her face so quickly, Mokuba almost missed it. "This is much worse than the Shadow Realm," she intoned dazedly.

"That's enough."

Both Mokuba and Ishizu spun around, right round, like a tilt-a-whirl, to face Seto.

"If I have to hear one more of your fairy tales, I swear I'll go insane."

Mokuba rolled his eyes. "Seto…"

"When are you going to realize all this Millennium stuff is just a bunch of hocus-pocus nonsense?"

"Don't be rude, Seto."

Ishizu wasn't fazed by Seto's outburst. "You may choose to believe whatever you want to. However, if you don't do something soon, you and your brothers may be in great danger."

Seto cackled, a little too shrilly for Mokuba's liking. "You're so predictable! No wonder I beat you in my tournament. Maybe I'm the one's who's psychic." Seto continued to cackle until he fell off his chair. "Ow."

Mokuba looked up at Ishizu. "I hate to run out, but I think I have to get my brother home."

Ishizu nodded, glancing over at Seto, who was having trouble maneuvering with his trench coat flopping everywhere. "I understand completely."

Mokuba pulled Seto up and dragged him out, waving to Ishizu as they exited.

"What is your problem today? You're acting like someone from a bad performance art piece!" Mokuba hissed as he dragged Seto down the hall.

"Obelisk…" Seto shoved his face into a square pillar and started to lick it. The two security guards (thankfully, the only two people around) stared, amused.

"Holy…" Mokuba yanked his brother away from the pillar and dragged him toward the exit. "Why are you acting so stupid?"

They made it out the automatic doors without further ado. The streets were empty, just like the museum. Where was everybody?

Mokuba readjusted Seto on his shoulders, preparing to pivot in the direction of their car when a smooth tenor asked, "Need some help with him?"

-O-o-O-o-

Cliffhanger. I'll actually try not to leave it hanging for too long. I'll try really, really hard.


	7. Garrigan, Nurse Joy, same difference

I really did try not to leave it hanging for too long. I wanted to make sure this was the best it could be before I posted it. Better late than never, I guess (good thing I don't write fanfiction for a living).

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh.

-O-o-O-o-

Mokuba twisted to the source of the voice. Such a strong, masculine voice; almost like Yami, but even more forceful.

Behind him stood a perfectly poised, copper-haired Adonis.

The boy had the kind of posture that made even Seto look like a slouching slob. He had his head cocked in a charmed confusion, much the way Seto had in Ishizu's office, except this guy didn't look like a deranged owl. His eyes, which matched Seto's, gazed down at the two brothers.

"You look like you're having trouble with your burden…Your very attractive burden," he said in a husky voice.

"Um, yeah, actually I am." Though tired, Mokuba wasn't too eager to hand his brother off to a guy who found him attractive while semiconscious.

"Do you mind if I help?"

"Could you tell me who you are first?" Mokuba asked, trying not to sound impolite, though he could have easily dismissed the guy.

The young man smacked himself on the forehead-a move that Mokuba thought was a rather clichéd way to make himself seem less threatening. "How rude of me. My name is Garrigan Stureno McSnowflake." His teeth sparkled like diamonds as he smiled. Mokuba thought maybe he should get those transparent teeth checked out; that might be a sign of tooth decay.

Seto, who had been about as responsive as a sack of potatoes until this moment, lifted his head. "Who are you talking to, Mokuba?" he asked with just the barest hint of his usual stern tone. He had to crane his neck to see the boy.

Garrigan Stureno bent over to look into Seto's face. "Hello," he said, his voice taking on the quality of an old school rhythm and blues singer.

Blue sparks flew from Garrigan Stureno's eyes into Seto's. Where there once was dazed annoyance, glassy-eyed enchantment reigned like the prince Garrigan Stureno was (how could such composure not belong to royalty?).

"What's with your eyes? Why are you staring like that?" Mokuba waved his hand in front of Seto's face. Seto continued to stare, a goofy smile creeping onto his face as Garrigan's hands slid around his torso.

"I think I'm in love," Seto breathed, though it didn't come out quite so well enunciated around the mouthful of saliva created by the sensation of Garrigan's toned arms around him.

Mokuba just stared, because what else could he do, really? "What is this. I don't even know."

"I know exactly what this is," Garrigan sighed. "It's what happens whenever I'm around some random guy. They go all flaccid and floppy when I speak directly to them, sometimes when I simply look at them." He shook his head. "It's most unbecoming."

Seto stood up to his full height, which was about five inches shorter than Garrigan's six feet, six inches. "You're making me anything but flaccid," he said, his voice completely back to normal.

Garrigan smiled coolly. "I think I like you. You're kind of feisty." He lowered his arms to Seto's waist. Mokuba pulled out a box of popcorn, ready for the inevitable smackdown.

Seto gave a little fluttery breath, his eyes rolling back a little. "Excuse me, I think I just had a minor technical difficulty."

Mokuba let his mouth drop open, the popcorn falling out. Why did he get his hopes up and think Seto's reaction was going to make sense?

Garrigan asked, "Do you guys live around here?"

Mokuba thumped himself to snap himself out of his irrationality-induced stupor. "Not close to here, but we live on this planet-I mean, in this area." He looked around and added, "Our car is over there. Why do you ask?"

"He's kind of fading." Garrigan nodded toward Seto, who leaned heavily on Garrigan. His head had flopped onto Garrigan's shoulder and his eyes had a faraway blank gaze. "Maybe we should get him home."

Mokuba was surprised to find that he agreed with this stranger. "Okay."

Once Seto was settled in the front seat, Mokuba in the back, and Garrigan at the wheel, they started home. Mokuba hoped Noah was awake by now; he couldn't continue his investigation all by himself and it looked like Seto was going to be out for a while.

"So are you new here? I don't remember seeing you around," Mokuba said.

"Domino is a big city, is it not?" Garrigan gracefully made a turning signal with his hand. It was much more elegant and regal than the almost drunken, vulgar manner in which Seto had done so earlier. Mokuba was about to wonder why he was analyzing the choreography of Garrigan's movements (let's face it; this guy must've been conceived, birthed, and raised at the barre—Mokuba alternated between trying to get the resulting mental images out of his head and marveling in their grandeur) until he realized the more important question: why were any of them using hand signals when they had a perfectly good turn signal on the car?

"So, are you new here or not?" Mokuba managed to tear his thoughts away from the image of Garrigan and Seto making arm signals at each other while wearing spandex long enough to repeat his question.

"You could say that," Garrigan answered a little less patiently than before. "I used to live here a long time ago, then I left. Now I'm back."

"Where did you go before you came back?"

"Somewhere else." Mokuba could see Garrigan's diamond teeth gritted in the rearview mirror. He decided he wasn't in the mood to push it, since the guy was kind enough to drive them home.

As they pulled into the driveway, Seto shifted in the front seat. "Hmm…what happened?"

Garrigan, who'd been avoiding Mokuba's tapping at his shoulder, was at the passenger side in half a second. "You fainted. Luckily, I was there to help you get home."

Mokuba snorted under his breath. "Yeah, and I totally didn't carry you out of the museum."

Garrigan ignored him, and surprisingly, so did Seto.

"You're still here," Seto panted. He started to swoon at Garrigan's icy cool demeanor until Garrigan scooped him up in his arms, bridal style. "You're stronger than my Blue Eyes."

Mokuba was getting good at questioning of his perception of reality lately. He really hoped Noah was up and halfway sentient because Seto seemed to have a severe case of the vapors.

"Where have you been?"

The all stopped in the foyer at the tinkling bell of Rosemary's voice. Mokuba expected Seto to at least growl at her, but he seemed too preoccupied with rubbing his nose in Garrigan's shoulder.

"We went to the museum," Mokuba answered.

Rosemary folded her porcelain arms. "You're not allowed to leave without adult supervision."

"Seto was with me."

"Not good enough. Both you and Seto are under our care, which means both of you have to get my permission to leave the house."

"Wait, what, do you mean, 'our care?'"

Rosemary's perfectly coiffed head bounced on her swanlike neck toward Garrigan. "He's my helper."

Seto raised his head to gaze shakily into Garrigan's eyes. "I get to be near you all day? Ohh…" Garrigan supported his head as Seto lost consciousness yet again.

"Garrigan, perhaps you might put him down for a while. He'll need to eat sometime."

"Sure. Where's his bedroom?"

"I'll show you the way," Mokuba offered. Garrigan merely grunted in response.

"Don't think you're getting away that easily. Come back downstairs and we'll have a chat about your transgression," Rosemary reminded.

"Yeah, sure, transgression." Mokuba led Garrigan upstairs.

In the upstairs hall, the group ran into Noah. Not only was Noah unaffected by Rosemary's presence downstairs, he actually eyed Garrigan suspiciously. "Who are you?" he asked Garrigan.

Garrigan ignored him and continued to whisper to Seto, whose dazed smile broadened, though he couldn't possibly be hearing anything Garrigan said.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" Noah yelled down the hall.

"Don't bother. He only really talks to Seto and Rosemary," Mokuba said. "That's Garrigan, Rosemary's new helper."

"Huh. Well, his bedside manner leaves something to be desired."

"Please, don't say 'bedside manner.'" Mokuba put his hand over his face. "I went to see Ishizu and she said Rosemary's dangerous. Worse than the Shadow Realm, even. We don't know how much worse, yet. She's still looking some things up."

Noah looked at Mokuba sideways. "How do you know this isn't a false alarm?"

"Look at the sky."

Noah went back into his room and looked out the window at the lilac sky.

"Oh my god, the clouds are sparkling. It's going to be like acid rain, with less dignity." Noah turned back to Mokuba. "How long has it been this way?"

"Since at least this morning."

"Where was I?"

"Incapacitated."

No rim shot came from the rafters. "No, I'm not playing it and you can't make me!" a voice from above yelled. "It wasn't funny the first time, and it isn't funny now. It's just a bad, bad pun."

Noah and Mokuba ignored this voice. "What happened to that lock of hair you were playing with earlier?" Mokuba asked.

Noah shrugged. "I just woke up and it was on my face. I threw it away; it had drool all over it."

"You were kind of obsessed with it since last night."

Noah winced. "Really?"

"You acted like that whenever you saw Rosemary or anything belonging to her. Or even if she's in the area. How did you get over that?"

"I don't know. I kept trying to create a mental replica of her voice and something about it sounds kind of…off. I thought it was just my imperfect memory, but then I heard her talking when she entered. She really is a little off, so that must have cured it."

Mokuba had to resist the urge to do a happy dance. He wouldn't have to fight this all by himself after all.

"So what happened after you went to see Ishizu?"

"We ran into Garrigan and Seto started acting weird. He's falling all over Garrigan like a Pokemon breeder or something." Mokuba shuddered. "It's creepy, but I think Garrigan's into that."

"Maybe Garrigan's dangerous, too," Noah suggested.

"Why do you say that?"

"He's her helper and he's acting rather suspiciously. Also, anyone who reduces Seto to a puddle can't be your average innocent guy."

"Good point."

"Mokuba, I'm waiting," Rosemary called from downstairs.

"What does she want?" Noah asked. They noticed that Seto's room door was closed and had remained so during their entire conversation.

"She doesn't like that I went to the museum without supervision." Mokuba started down the stairs and paused. "Maybe you should pretend you're still in love with her."

"Do you think she'll care enough to suspect something if I don't?"

"Probably. Maybe she's working with Ms. Toilet to make Gozaburo hers, or whatever she wants to do to him."

Mokuba had almost forgotten about Ms. Toilet, with the impending violet doom. Once they cleared up this whole business with Rosemary and Garrigan, they'd deal with her.

Rosemary sat on the couch, legs perfectly crossed like a lady. Her skin shone under the light, but it wasn't a "slathered in body butter" shine, it was more like a kissed by light kind of deal. The glitter brushed over her cheeks (which somehow did not make her look like a stripper, but gave the impression of a mature princess) helped this effect.

Noah cocked his head. Not that he didn't want his faculties back, but he was kind of amazed that what melted him the day before had absolutely no effect on him now. He didn't know why he'd even been attracted to her in the first place, really. Come to think of it, she smelled kind of weird. No, not weird…He'd smelled that scent before. It wasn't the same scent on that lock of hair, either, but he couldn't place where he'd smelled it.

"Noah, I'd like to talk to Mokuba in private, if you don't mind." Not even her voice was as melodic as before.

"But…I want to stay here and bask in your glory." Noah was starting to regret passing up drama classes.

Rosemary just smiled. "Noah, do you know how babies are made?"

Noah mustered up his meager acting skills. "Yes. But babies don't have to be the result," he drawled in the most lecherous voice he could manage.

Rosemary smiled even more brightly—any brighter, and she'd short circuit. "Of course. But how do you think you got here?"

"Obviously, when my father and a woman loved each other very much, they…" Noah trailed off. His eyes glazed over and his mouth fell open. "Oh, the horror…"

"Think about it." Rosemary turned back to Mokuba. "Next time you go out, tell someone first, okay?"

Mokuba blinked. "That's it?"

"Well, anything more would be superfluous." Rosemary's voice carried a hint of impatience, but it wasn't as offensive as Garrigan's tone. She seemed more preoccupied than annoyed.

Mokuba didn't know whether to be relieved or even more suspicious. "Okay, then."

"Good." Rosemary smiled again. She headed for the stairs. "I'm going to check on Seto."

Mokuba waited until he was sure she was out of earshot. He dragged Noah, who was still reeling from the revelation, into the den to discuss a new plan.

Upstairs, Rosemary and Garrigan hovered over the unconscious Seto, holding a wand, a syringe of glittery fluid, and a cooler labeled "magical uterus and other necessary parts."

"Let's do this." Rosemary rolled up her sleeves.

-O-o-O-o-

Oh, dear. It's getting all science-fictional and crazy-fantastical. And kind of squicky.


End file.
